You are an exception.

I wonder if everyone in love feels this way... if I'm experiencing the kind of love people try to write poems and books and movies about.

I wonder if everyone in love feels like an exception....

 

Because I used to wonder if love happened like it happens in John Green books, with tenacity and chance and abandon. I wondered if there was a real-life love as enduring and stubborn as Allie and Noah's. I wondered  if love as heartbreaking and soul stirring as Jack and Rose's existed....

And now I'm feeling and living and breathing this kind of love that I don't know how to describe.

It's so quiet and constant and calm, like a favorite sweater you pull over your head, and it falls into place in an instant. 

Its so loud and exciting and wonderful like the song that plays during the best part of your favorite movie, so moving and exactly perfect for the moment that you just want to rewind and replay it a million times, and find out where the composer lives so you can throw your arms around them and thank them for the beauty they so eloquently captured.

It's so awful. It's truly terrifying because you try to imagine your life without this person and you actually, literally cannot do it. 

It's so absolutely wonderful, because as you're trying to imagine your life without this person, and you can't, you realize that you are an exception. You realize that this thing you're experiencing, this beautiful give and take with another person that you hope and pray never ends, is an exception.

And at that realization, you're left with this feeling of awe...you feel so small and so incredibly blessed, and the words "thank you" bubble up inside and before you know it you're down on your knees saying it over and over to the God who saw fit to write you the most perfect story, more perfect than you could have ever written for yourself. You look around at your whole life and despite everything, all the heartache you've felt and the brokenness that comes with this life, you're struck by the beautiful exchange that Jesus made, and you wonder out loud how He is so good when you are so not.

And you realize that all along, it wasn't about the people in John Green's books, or Allie and Noah, or Jack and Rose that you so desperately wanted your life to be like. You realize that the composer, the author, the creator of your story is so present and so intimately aware of what you need that He provides it for you, that He makes an exception for each and every one of us, in absolutely every part of our lives.  

And maybe I'm a hopeless romantic. Maybe this is just white noise. But maybe, I am an exception. And maybe you are too. And maybe there is a perfect "one" for all of us. And maybe sometimes there's not. And maybe there's a reason for absolutely everything that happens to you. 

Whether you're falling in love, or working, or waiting, or learning, or travelling, or just being still....remember that you are so fully  known and loved and that He is working in you, and through you and for you. 

And when His hand holds the pen, there is a story being written that is worthy of all praise.  

 

Blessed

Counting myself blessed, everyday, that I get to spend the rest of my life laughing with my best friend. 

The end. 

It's Like He Knows...

Could anyone be more brilliant?

Why?

I'm sitting here at my desk and I've got the world at my fingertips -or so it seems, with all the information that buzzes and beeps and flies around in the endless land of the Internet - and I feel so broken by the things I read and see. At times I am grateful for all of the information I have access too....and at other times, I am deeply saddened, and feel hopeless and lost and so bewildered by this world we live in.

When I was little, I was terrified by the monsters I thought lived under my bed. I was afraid of wars, but they always happened somewhere else. I remember seeing 9/11 on the t.v. as I was getting ready to go to school that terrible morning. I was only in Grade 4, but I still cried. I still understood the pivotal change that had taken place. I became afraid of planes and anyone who looked remotely like the "terrorists" on the screen. I didn't understand racism then, and I feel ashamed of myself even now. I didn't understand, either, how people of any race or religion could  do such a terrible thing. And my parents couldn't protect me anymore. It was everywhere. The world was bad.  And suddenly I couldn't walk down the street without worrying about being abducted. I couldn't go to school without worrying that someone would bomb it. ( I realize this was ridiculous...but in this world I know now that nothing is impossible). I was so scared. So worried. I would pray and lay awake at night, wondering if my house might start on fire, wondering if a bad guy would break in and try to take something while we lay peacefully asleep. I lost hours and hours of rest, worrying about what-ifs and maybes.

And as I grew older, I got a little wiser. I gained confidence and slowly, I learned that bad things don't happen all the time, just sometimes, and only to some people. I learned that we have smoke detectors and locks on our doors and heightened security and amber alerts. I learned about our societies "just in case" safety nets. So I was safe. I could sleep.

Now I sit here at my desk and the news scrolls slowly down my screen, and I feel so lost and scared. I can't help remembering that night in September, so long ago now, as I cried myself to sleep. I kept thinking about my classmates talking about the people who called their loved ones from the plane, the people running down the stairs as flames engulfed and destroyed the buildings no one ever thought would be a target. I remember looking at my mom tearfully, asking her "Why?" and all she could say was " Because, Amy, sometimes bad people do bad things."

And now I am back there, back to that night....I am back to my 10 year old self, except now I'm 20 and this world is coming at me a lot faster than before, and this time its a school and man my own age who did it, and I'm laying awake for hours, thinking "why?" "why?!" "WHY!?!?!" "Why children? Why an elementary school? Innocent lives, lives yet to be lived? Babies, just babies!""YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER! You were there, you were alive, you saw that September morning, you saw the sickening sadness, and now you're causing it AGAIN!?!?!"

Why.

And my heart is broken for those parents who sent their kids to school that day. My heart is broken for the families of the teachers and parents who lost their lives trying to stop a mad man. My heart is broken for a world where a man can walk around with a weapon used in war, a weapon capable of unimaginable destruction, and somehow it is justified because it is a "constitutional right?" I am angry, I am so full of rage at the injustice, I don't know what to do with myself. And then I think about how I have no right to even feel this way...those aren't my kids, those aren't my parents, that's not my town or my school....but I can't help it! The sadness flashes across our t.v. screens, the candle light vigils flicker pain across the  face of the entire planet and I wonder how in the world this kind of tragedy can happen?

...And then I think about the children who are killed everyday in the genocides of Africa.

I think about the children lost in the sick and twisted and disgustingly dark world of  child slavery , prostitution and pornography.

I think about the children that don't count. The ones aborted because someone decided that they aren't "technically" human until such-and-such a date, so it's okay to get rid of it. "It" being a human life.
The ONLY difference between you and me,  and those babies getting killed is that they're on the inside and we're not. They don't have a voice...it's drowned out by women who want rights....I wonder if they think about human rights...

I think about the children in war zones, who's homes and families and lives are destroyed by weapons manufactured and detonated by full grown adults, the ones we're taught to think "know better."
I think about the children starving. The children who are dying with empty, distended bellies while I sit at my desk and eat stupid trail mix because I'm bored.

And I feel like there is so much that is completely wrong in this world. So much that is broken and seemingly irreparable. And I have to remind myself to breathe, to breathe in and breathe out, and that crying will solve nothing - tears are just salt water and we have plenty of that already.

 I have to remember that my God is real.
Somehow He holds this broken world in His hands. And I do not understand, I know that I will never understand the horrors of this planet, the tragedies that threaten to cripple me until I can't move for fear of my heart crumbling to pieces because of the hurt that happens here....I have to tell myself over and over that He's got it, this whole world. He's got the little babies, the lost and the scared,the wind and the rain,the dying and the diseased, the oceans and the sky, the mom's and dad's struggling to feed their kids, the broken families, the tired and the weak--He's got them all. And He's got me. And I don't understand how He's holding it all ,all of this brokenness, how the world keeps spinning, and we keep breathing and breaking and breathing and breaking.
But He's got it. He's got this whole entire messed up world in His hands.

I feel compelled to say that it would be easy to give up. It would be so easy to say that my God doesn't care about these children, or the wars, or the violence, or the hopelessness, because "He let's it happen." I could be like a lot of people and say "He obviously doesn't care." But I know better than that. I know so, so much better. I know hope. I know peace and joy and love. I know that even when I don't understand, I will choose Him, I will choose the hope that He holds out to me. I will trust in my Rock and my Redeemer.

Why? Because my God is good. And evil things happen in this world because there are evil people, and we all have a choice. We choose our actions. God does not make anyone do anything. He made us, but He did not break us.. We broke ourselves. We're fallen.

But God? He is good.

 I.Do.Not.Understand. I never will. But I will seek rest and comfort in His arms because I have looked at this world, I have seen the pain, the total destruction, the agony of children being lost, and I am desperate for something -for someone - good. And He is the only One.

I will remember You and all that you've done for me.

Of all the things I've learned,
or heard or read...
I know that you are good, God.
And when I don't understand,
I will try my very best to choose grace and patience and love.
I will try my hardest to remember the sunshine behind the clouds,
the flowers sleeping in the earth, just waiting for spring.
I will wait anxiously and hopefully for the laughter,
for the easy smiles and joyous moments.
And for now, when I'm still choosing, trying, waiting, hoping,
I will remember You , most of all, and your infallible, everlasting goodness.

The Catch

I see the storm clouds whirling and you are the sunlight
I can barely remember...
maybe I forget sometimes how I am a mess.
I forget you're the only lighthouse I ever need to steer my ship too,
but I'm a hurricane, a tidal wave,
and as I hang on, fingernails scraping dirt,
sweat pooling on my brow,
desperation squeezing
each
breath
out
too
fast
to
catch,
I
am
falling
and
I
want
the
ground,
I
want
the
end
and
then
you catch me.
You wipe my face clean and you set me down and
through my mess, and the raging winds in my head
your voice rings true and clear:
"I will never leave you,
I will never forsake you."

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like...

Christmas!!!!

I love Christmas. Love it. The music, the lights, the chill in the air, the anticipation for snow, the warm sweaters and scarves, and Peppermint Mocha's at Starbucks...mmm yes, Christmas is here! Well...it will be. In less than a month!
And it makes me so happy because the whole world is bombarded with messages to be good to one another, to spread Christmas cheer, to be joyful for reasons as simple as snow, to spend time together with people you love, to be nice...on purpose.  This time of year always gets me thinking. There is always the inevitable bombardment of tv adds telling children "You need this toy! You need this, and this, and oooooh man would you look at this!?!?" And us adults are attacked with technology adds saying "You've GOT to have this new whatcha-ma-call-it! And look at this doo-hicky! Oh boy, it's the fastest thing-a-ma-bob around, and you can get it for only this much!!" This part of the holidays makes me sad, and it would be easy for me to say BAH-HUMBUG to all that is Christmas, and pout about consumerism and how doomed the world is to spend itself into nothingness. It would be so easy to rant about how there are children in Africa, or India, or down the street, who have nothing, and spread the word about how we should feel guilty because we live in such a rich country...

Instead. I want to focus on Christmas. Christmas. What is this holiday about? Why does North America spend the month of December  stressing good works and cheerfulness and giving and being thankful for warm houses and full bellies? Because of Christ. Let's face it, He is the reason for the Season. He came to save us, to give us everlasting life, and that is the greatest gift of all.
Jesus came and taught the most important things we could ever learn: To love God, and to love one another. To take care of the orphans and the widows, to spend time with the least and the lowest, to love with absolutely everything we have because God first loved us, and sent His Son just for us. 

So this season, let's spread the cheer and give where we can and really focus on the reason for all of the lights and presents and the quality time we spend around the tree. Let's pray and give and love wherever we can and remember that we are truly and insanely blessed to live where we do and to have what we have.

Let's realize that we have everything we need in Christ. Everlasting love, forgiveness, and hope.

Shine Please

I hope and pray that one day, you can look in the mirror and see the beautiful, irreplaceable you. 
I hope that Jesus works on your heart, makes himself a home in the deepest darkest corner of it,
and that you let Him shine a light in you. I hope you let your sparkle out, that you allow the sunlight of who you are to come out from behind those clouds you so desperately cling too-clouds that cover up who you really are. I hope that there is an endless meteor shower of you. Let yourself streak across the sky and do not apologize for any pieces that touch the ground. Make impact. Impress yourself upon this earth.

I cannot say it enough. I hope and I pray that one day you can look in that mirror and see what I see.

I desperately want you to understand that there is only ever going to be one you. 

And that is more precious and wonderful than anything.

I knew from the third date.

I sometimes think about how you've become my best friend, 

how you know exactly what to say

 to make the corners of my lips turn up, 

how we've prayed, planned and promised our way to this friendship.

I sometimes think about the way you ask about my day, 

how I know that the answer is crucial to your own well-being. 

I think about how I've hinged my life to yours, 

how your hand is the only one I will ever want to hold.

I sometimes think about how easy it was for me to say yes to you,

how I knew from the third date,

you were driving me home in your little red car

and all I wanted was to listen to you talk forever.

I sometimes think about how we used to be strangers,

just two people with pasts and futures wholly unknown,

how I had no idea, absolutely no clue

that I was somehow living without you. 

Stop

I don't have any followers at this point so I am writing to myself.

And to myself, I say this:

Life is hard, and you miss people and you love people so much it hurts, and you get disappointed in people and you get frustrated with people and you sometimes even get mad at people. Amy, you're going to question this life and all that God has put in it for you. It's going to be confusing and your eyes are going to wander and look longingly at other people's lives, and you're going to open your ears to words and opinions that will only make you question yourself and what you believe. You're going to expect people to be happy, and they won't be. You're going to expect people to act like they care, and sorry, they won't. You're going to bang.your.head.against.the.wall. because nobody listens to anything and everybody talks about nothing. And you're going to wish that it was different, you're going to take a step back every now and again and say "What happened? Where did happiness go?"

And then Amy, then. 

Then you will turn to God and you will fall to your knees and pray to the one you so desperately, unashamedly need. Because this life is paper thin, full of empty promises and empty smiles. This life has people who will let you down and time that will pass away wasted. This life has scraped knees and broken hearts and so many moments you dream about taking back and doing over again because you squandered them, you threw them in the dirt like garbage. You so proudly thought you could just live, as if each and every breath is your own, as if you gave yourself your own life, as if you had any control.

Stop. 

You are not your own. You are not just alive. You are not just breathing, thinking, doing.

You need to stop.

And realize that this you, this very one, is beloved and sacred and so very wanted. You are desired by your King, made clean by your Savior,  rescued by your Refuge and comforted by the Lover of your Soul.



And He is the ONLY thing in this life, in your life, that is TRUE.

GREAT is Thy Faithfulness!

To the heart broken, the faulty, the never-good-enoughs, the angry, the why-did-I-do-that-AGAINs, the lost, the looking, the lonely....

God's grace is enough. 

Too Blessed.

So.

I've been feeling very inspired lately....to write, to think, to learn...I'm engaged, for those who don't know, and that means a few things:

Everything changes, every day...except for the love. If you've got it right, that doesn't change. For me, and my special guy, this has been a challenging time, but one thing has remained, and that has been our ability to laugh with each other, to appreciate each other, to forgive, forget, and move on...to fall in love, more and more, everyday, as corny as that sounds. We've been choosing plates and picking flowers and colors and finding a place to live and sorting out bank accounts, and I'll admit, it's stressful..Everyone tells you to have fun with it! Enjoy it! If I'm honest, I wouldn't be able to have fun or enjoy it without him, my best friend, my love....he brings a smile to my face and reminds me everyday that we are so far beyond blessed it's actually ridiculous.

Life is crazy and we are way to privileged to even have the opportunity to know each other and fall in love and have a wedding, and to be so incredibly blessed beyond what we deserve...I know that it is all- ALL- because of God. I will never understand why he saw fit to allow me to fall in love with my best friend, to build a life with him in a country where I can express my love for my God and not be persecuted for it. I will never understand why I get to eat everyday, and have a well-paying job, and a family still in tact.I did not do anything to deserve this, and yet I have it. And all of that boils down to this:

I will serve and love my God with all of my heart and mind and soul and passion. I will strive to live everyday with my finger pointing to Him.

He is the one. He did all of this.


Not me.

Green eyes, and freckles and your smile

Everything Has Changed - Taylor Swift

Kaleidoscope

The light is streaming in between the curtains, 

and its the same light that shone through your willowy hair

that day you walked past me for the very first time.

You had a checkered dress on and the liveliest eyes I'd ever seen.

Honey, I'm sitting beside dust and an unfinished crossword puzzle,

the t.v. murmurs from across the room and I know it,

you're there in the sunlight that filters through the dirty window pane. 

I can smell your perfume on the drafts they say will be the death of me,

I can hear your laughter coming down the hall, and oh

you always had the smoothest skin-

I can still remember how it felt to hold your hand.

You slipped away and I swear that you took me with you, 

but the kids and the doctors tell me different.

"You're still alive," they plead, voices dripping with concern, 

and I nod my head and think about the way you washed the dishes, 

hips swaying gently to the songs you hummed to yourself.

"You're still alive," I repeat and repeat to myself as I stare at your side of the bed, 

your glasses resting on the nightstand, my eyes still searching 

for your familiar outline beneath the sheets.

The glow from outside is turning to a dim buttery yellow and 

I'm losing you all over again.

I close my eyes to the memory of you drifting away from me,

the faded colors from the t.v. screen dart across my eyelids and

all I see, darling, is a kaleidoscope of you- 

still humming, swaying, smiling, eyes as lively as ever, your hand resting firmly in mine-

and we're dancing the two-step, like we did all those times before-

and the light is still shining through your hair.  

Stuck Behind a Desk With Too Much To Say

Smile.

Let a telemarketer give you their speech about some product you don't really need without hanging up on them or cutting them off. THEY ARE PEOPLE TOO believe it or not, and they are just doing their job.

If you see a dog on the side of the road and it's alone and looks it like it might just be oblivious enough to run out into traffic...stop. It takes 5 minutes to save a dog, and maybe a family somewhere some heartache. If you think someone else will stop and help the dog....you're probably wrong. Everyone else always thinks "Someone ELSE can do the right thing, not me..." Think about it people! We domesticated them! It's our responsibility to take care of them!

Turn your face to the sun and feel -really feel -how free you are. Too many people in this world don't realize how much injustice there is, and how privileged they are.

Realize that a baby is a miracle. That a brand new human life, right from conception, no matter what the circumstances are, whether its socially wrong to have the baby, or you just don't really want one right now, REALIZE THAT IT IS A LIFE AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TAKE IT. I absolutely do not want to offend anyone, and please forgive me if I have touched a nerve, but there is needless abortions happening everyday...there are so many options available...I believe in women's rights, but more than that, I believe in human rights. Each individual person, no matter how they are conceived, has the right to life.

Remember that of all the places you could have been born, of all the lives you could have had, God gave you this one, and it's yours. Live it unafraid to be completely and wholly you. Do not waste your time fearing man, what your neighbors may say, or what your friends are doing....Do exactly what you want. Trust in God, and trust yourself.

Love with everything you have. Everything.

A Girl With Words

My name is Amy.
Today I drove to work and I saw the sun coming up- the pink sky was beautiful in contrast to the grey clouds that covered the valley- and I started to think about how difficult it is to describe certain things in life.
Like the impossible colors splashed across the sky on a beautiful morning. Like the indescribable joy you feel when a dog curls up in your lap and falls asleep. Like the most perfectly timed kiss, the kind that catches you off guard and leaves you wishing you were just a pair of lips and nothing more. Like birds chirping and babies laughing and wildflowers and chocolate.

There is so much beauty and so many words and I feel compelled to at least try to put them down. I'm hoping that I can stay honest and true to myself, that I an write how I think...that the words that come to me will translate truly and still make sense. If you're here, and you're reading this, and you're wondering why I even started writing...I don't have an answer. Just these words, some spare time, and a sincere and relentless belief that this world is beautiful, that we have more than enough to be thankful for, and that God is always, always, always good.